My-Bipolar

My thoughts on depression.

I have come to believe that if someone has never had clinical depression there is no way of knowing what it's like. They can study people and council people as much as they'd like, but if they haven't been there, they haven't been there. They can work with people and study them, they can get an idea of how they respond or react, but they will never know the exact feelings that take place or how frightening they are.

Looking back on my battle with depression, I realize that certain things that I would have responded to prior to going there, would have absolutely no positive affect while I was in that part of my depression. My depressive state had many chapters if you will. I had the beginning chapters, the midterm chapters, and the final chapters. Then came the chapters of my recovery, and I believe with my whole being that there are several key ingredients involved in finding recovery.

First is finding and building trust in a counselor. This is something I could not do on my own. I had neither self-worth nor the ability to even look for help. I had been on the psych ward of a Lincoln NE hospital for threatening to kill myself. I could not leave there without having a counselor to see. I had a friend that was a licensed therapist; I called her for a recommendation. She helped me find a man that I could work with.

OK! I had the counselor, now the hard part. It takes time to build trust, it really, really does. This is a process not a destination. It took work, not only on his part, but on mine too.

Second is, wanting, to get better. This again is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. When I first started seeing John, I did not know if I actually wanted to get better. I was tired of living, but scared to try suicide. What if it didn't work, what if I lived; and became a vegetable because of what I tried. There were so many frightening thoughts.

Third is finding the courage to try. This I needed help with, I had to find trust in a higher power. I will get into this more later, but right now let me say this, without spiritual help, I am an awfully week man.